The Tragedy of the Mini-Fan
by FacelessGhoul
Summary: A little bit of comedy for you, or at least an attempt at such. What happens when you give a hollow a mini-fan? Ichigo and Shiro are up to mischief.


"Ichigo."

"Yeah?"

Rukia cocked a hip to the side with a frown marring her face, "Why exactly is your hollow following you around with a mini-fan?"

Ichigo blinked owlishly, as if it hadn't even occurred to him. He looked back at Shiro, who wore the cheesiest grin on his face Ichigo had ever seen, and was holding up the mini-fan. Ichigo shrugged, "Ask him."

Rukia snapped her gaze over to Shiro after a second's reluctance, "Well?"

"Special effects," the pale man merely replied as he aimed the mini-fan toward Ichigo's head to blow his orange hair.

Ichigo's face was a mask of indifference to the entire ordeal. Clearly, this had been going on long enough that he was no longer fazed by it.

Rukia shook her head and sighed, "I don't even want to know…"

* * *

Later that day, Ichigo and his hollow were seen wandering aimlessly (or rather, Ichigo was wandering aimlessly, and Shiro just happened to be following him) around Seireitei, the latter of the two still up to his same antics. Quite a few residents of Seireitei had taken to staring at the two as they passed, ever curious as to just what they were doing. Thus far, no one had dared ask what they were up to.

Ichigo continued to wander around until he ended up on the Kuchiki residence. As everyone knows, the Seireitei's one and only substitute shinigami has absolutely no respect for anything like 'nobility', or 'private property', and thus he walked into the premise as if he owned the place. A feat not easily done by most shinigami. Then again, Ichigo wasn't most shinigami.

He searched around until he stumbled upon the stoic squad six captain, out in his backyard. Byakuya was sitting amongst flowerbeds with a sketchpad in his lap, and was busily doodling away. So enraptured was he that he hadn't even noticed the two menaces of Seireitei come up right behind him.

"Wow! I didn't know you could draw, Byakuya!"

Taken by surprise, Byakuya stiffened, drawing hand jerking as he did so. The pencil slipped across the page before falling to the ground.

"Oops," Ichigo tilted his head to the side, "I don't suppose you meant to mess it up like that? What is that supposed to be, anyway? Looks kinda weird..."

Shiro was behind him, brandishing his mini-fan and nodding in agreement, "Real weird, flower man."

If anyone who knew Byakuya extremely well had been present, that person may have noticed the extremely subtle twitch in one of Byakuya's eyes. As neither Ichigo nor Shiro were very observative, they both failed to notice this. Or perhaps they just didn't give a damn. Yes, perhaps it was that.

"It was supposed to be Wakame Taishi," Byakuya retorted primly. "Not that common rabble like yourself or your hollow could be refined enough to appreciate something as beautiful and perfect as him."

Shiro snickered none too softly, "I hate to break it to ya, but yer character is lame. Plain and simple."

Byakuya's eyes narrowed a centimeter as the hollow laughed at his expense, and the part-time-substitute, full-time-pain-in-his-ass was visibly holding back laughter. He quickly realized they were much too immature for him to sway, and so changed the subject.

"How did you get on my property?" he demanded.

Ichigo and his hollow looked at each other curiously, then back at Byakuya. Shiro shrugged and Ichigo replied, "We walked?"

"How did you get through the…" Byakuya trailed off with a sigh. "Never mind. What matters is that you can't stay. Leave immediately."

The hollow made an unbecoming face (in Byakuya's opinion) that he probably thought was a cute pout, "Aww, but we just _got_ here."

"Yeah, Byakuya. Lighten up."

Byakuya turned a cold, withering stare on Ichigo, "That's Captain Kuchiki to you, Kurosaki."

Byakuya then realized that the wind was blowing his hair into his face. He tried pushing it out of the way, then had another realization when he caught a flash of white from the corner of his vision. It occurred to him that the hollow was no longer standing behind Ichigo.

This time, he really was glaring when he looked at the hollow. Shiro was smirking mischievously as he brandished his mini-fan.

Deciding enough was enough, Byakuya drew his zanpakuto.

The smirk was gone in an instant as Shiro's eyes widened, "Oh shit, oh shit! We've been compromised, Ichi! Fall back, fall back!"

Ichigo and his hollow both ran out of the Kuchiki residence like bats out of Hell.

* * *

Ten minutes later found Ichigo and Shiro wandering aimlessly yet again. Shiro had gone back to using his mini-fan to blow Ichigo's hair from the back and slightly to the side.

Soon, they happened upon the eleventh division. Had Ichigo noticed this, he may have already turned and taken a different direction. As he had not, he did no such thing.

It was for that reason that Ichigo hadn't noticed him until he was practically upon them.

"Um, King…" Shiro said hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"Little… big problem…" the hollow pointed off slightly to the side.

Ichigo looked in that direction only to see just the 'little big problem' Shiro was referring to. That problem taking form in seven feet of terrifying, gargantuan muscle and bloodthirsty fighting power, all topped with a bunch of bells. Zaraki Kenpachi. There was also a pink blob on his shoulder which they recognized a moment later as Yachiru.

The substitute shinigami gulped, "Yeah, we're getting out of here," he declared as he turned tail and ran.

Shiro, of the same opinion, was close on his heels. Unfortunately, the hulk of a man had already caught sight of them, and he wasn't about to just let them run off.

Which meant that Ichigo and Shiro were currently running at full speed, jumping across rooftops with Zaraki Kenpachi hot on their tails in a speedy pursuit.

"King, he's gaining on us! What do we do?!"

"Gotta shake him!"

"How?!"

"A distraction!" Ichigo declared.

"That's a good idea and all," Shiro said, "but how are we going to distract him when we're kinda on the run right now?"

Ichigo's brows furrowed in thought, "Good point… hmm… I know, a sacrifice!"

"A what?!" the hollow screeched.

"Welp, it was great knowing you, Shiro! You were always my favorite hollow!"

"Excuse y— _ **oof**_ _?!_ "

Shiro, who had been tripped by Ichigo, was not able to get up in time before Kenpachi was upon him. There was a menacing gleam in the captain's one visible eye as a sadistic smirk spread across his face.

"Ichigo! You asshole, get back here!" he screeched as he tried to get up, but there was an iron grip on his ankle. Kenpachi was dragging him backward, like something straight out of a horror movie.

"Thanks, Shiro!" Ichigo shouted over his shoulder. "Your sacrifice won't be in vain!"

"Ichigo! Ichi _ **gooooo!**_ "

* * *

A short while later, Ichigo was catching his breath on Soukyoku hill.

"Whew," he said as his breath evened out, "just barely got away."

That was when an ominous shadow fell over him. Ichigo tensed, his eyes going wide.

"You don't say?" a voice like grating metal said from behind him.

Ichigo could hear what sounded like a symphony of bells. Fearfully, he slowly turned his head to look behind him.

There stood none other than Zaraki Kenpachi. Behind him was Shiro, using his mini-fan to blow Zaraki's bells. Upon Zaraki's face was a victorious smirk that could give children nightmares, and it was only rivaled by Shiro's own malicious grin.

"Shiro?!" Ichigo cried incredulously.

"Hey there, ex-King. I got a new king now," Shiro said, and Zaraki chuckled darkly.

"Y-you traitor!" Ichigo shouted, pointing wildly at his hollow.

"Traitor?! Ya left me for dead, asshole!" Shiro shouted right back, smile falling as he shook a fist at the orangette. Then the smirk slid back across his face with a vengeance, "But that's alright. It's time for yer just desserts, Ichi."

"W-wh-what?!" the blood drained from Ichigo's face.

Zaraki and Shiro were slowly closing in on him. Zaraki was sliding his ill-kept zanpakuto from its sheathe.

"S-stay back!" Ichigo shouted, pulling a cross from literally nowhere. "The power of Christ compels ye!"

Zaraki blinked owlishly, "Who the hell is Christ?"

Ichigo shrugged, tossing the cross to the side, "I dunno. It felt right to say at the time."

In the distance, they could hear a cry of pain as the cross hit someone in the head.

Zaraki then raised his zanpakuto and pointed it at Ichigo, "Whatever. Fight me, berry boy!"

* * *

People all around Seireitei flinched as they heard the screams from Soukyoku hill, coupled with maniacal laughter of two people. They could all feel the terrifying, gigantic force that was Zaraki Kenpachi's reiatsu, and so they just minded their own business and pretended they didn't hear someone screaming for help.

* * *

Later that day, there was an unmistakable howl. It was the howl of a hollow.

Every captain and lieutenant in the entirety of Seireitei rushed up to Soukyoku hill, prepared for an attack from Hueco Mundo. Even Yamamoto had gotten off his lazy ass.

What none of them expected to find was none other than Shiro all alone on the ground.

He was crying and wailing in dismay while clutching his mini-fan to his chest.

Yachiru was the only one to approach him.

She crouched down in front of him with her hands on his knees, looking up at him, "What's wrong, Mr. Hollow Berry?"

"It's my… it's broken…" Shiro whimpered. "my… my mini-fan!"

Everyone on Soukyoku hill, with the exception of Yachiru and Shiro, collectively slapped a palm to their foreheads.


End file.
